The Love Of Others

For the people in my life, I want you to know

I adore you
It doesn’t matter if I met you yesterday
or 35 years ago
or in another life
I know if it’s real
and i will show you

if you are my friend
i will miss you

if you are a soul mate
you don’t have to be my lover
there are so many souls i connect with
but yet so few that truly lock

if you are my friend
then i admire you
i may not be interested in everything you like
but i will share in your joys

if you are my friend then
your effort means more to me
than anything else

i don’t care what your job is
i don’t care what your income is
i don’t care what is between your legs
or who you let between them

i care that you are kind
that you are fun
that you are open
and that you are a vibrant light
that shines bright in my life

and i want to do the same for you
i will respect you
forgive you
and show my sorrow if I have wronged you

and i will always care about you
whether we fight
whether we go years without speaking
whether we never see each other again

there is always enough love in my heart
to include you
there is infinite space in this small organ
like a house of leaves
it feels bursting

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Officially Fall

Me at Playland, 2012

Now that autumn has arrived, and I have enjoyed a good chunk of the summer, I am more inclined to write, sit inside, and read.

This summer included some wonderful new habits and revived my love of others…it took some time. I generally go through years-long phases of being social vs. being solitary. A visit to Vancouver Island and a group of friends has brought me out of that shell, and even tempts me to move back over there.

I’ve never had a strong friend-group for a long period of time – there was my friends in school, but it was not common for us to hang out in this group outside of school as we all did not live very close together, and our parents had different levels of strictness.

There was a group of gothy types I had weekly parties with in my late teens, but my social anxiety and strange inclinations took over, I felt paranoid that I was being used for my age (to get booze) and my car, and I retreated.

At my last jobs, there were amazing gaggles of people who would hang out together, but when we left one by one, the gatherings got lesser and lesser, and my interactions seem to be one-on-one (still my favourite), and not the grand jigsaw of all us coming together.

And then there were my island friends, all of whom I met through my first time on IRC, a friend named Allen who knew so many wildly funny and eccentric, goofy, and kind people on the Island, and I very much fell into those people, loved them all, and went as often as I could.

So many of these people moved around, and many are now again in one place – some have moved on, but we all have this connected, group-feel, and it is the only one where I feel completely at ease. Groups have always intimidated me and if there is a large gathering where I only know one or two people, or no one, I completely panic. Large crowds? Don’t even go there. The Olympics in Vancouver 2 years ago…the epicenter was right outside of my work, and I had panic attacks daily.

I would spend every weekend on the Island if I was not saving up for my winter vacation, but I love that a 2-day excursion has revived me. THE FEELINGS.

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Other things I’ve done this summer:

+ Read about a billion graphic novels and other books.

+ Beach running.

+ Beach gathering with many raw foods.

+ PLAYLAND + a ride that swings 70 kph at 218 feet in the air (overwhelming).

+ Swimming at the pool with my Dad.

+ Much running with my dog.

+ Fruit, so much fruit. I bought well over 100 lbs of blueberries in a couple of months, and ate them all.

+ Blackberry picking.

+ Waking much earlier than usual, and sleeping more.

+ I actually went out to a club  for the first time in years.

+ Many visits to the farm market, to visit the cows, goats, and donkeys (and buy food).

+ Pet-sitting.

+ Beach jaunts with my dog, who loves to run on the sandbars. She is a Chinese Crested and ends up looking very drowned afterward.

+ Another visit to the island to visit my friend and her son (before her new baby was born). I proceeded to eat much of her garden.

+ Fund-raising and walking for the SPCA.

+ Reminiscing and reliving many moments from teenagedom, and planning out a comic based on those years.

+ So much dog-park.

+ Zombie-walk.

+ Went to see the DJ Richie Hawtin with my boyfriend.

+ Much, much lying in the sun.

AND NOW, it is fall, and still beautiful out. The night is colder, but the days are still bright and bloom with happy. I have many ideas and jaunts planned for fall.

Always make the most of the weather, your friends, your time, your health. It’s so easy to say “You only get one life” and not really reflect on that – this time is not endless, as much as I wish it was. I want to live forever.

Why I Don’t Want Everyone to Like Me

I don’t care if you like me.

Why? Because there is billions upon billions of people in the world. How can they all like me? It’s asinine. No one can have everyone like them so stop trying. It’s an impossible task. Work on liking yourself. There will always be someone who finds a flaw in you, or someone who doesn’t like an inflection in your voice, or thinks your face is weird, or who thinks you are too tall/thin/fat/stinky/giggly/morose/loud/quiet/vivacious/etc – who cares? There are plenty of people who will jive with you (and me) – it’s called flocking – people who get you, will get you. If they don’t, oh well.

Find people who mesh with your style, your thought-patterns – and find others who are not normally your style who intrigue you, too – if you always stick with the same sort of pals, you won’t really grow or learn.

But the people who hate on you, just move on. When they don’t like you, that makes a space for someone who does, OR space for YOURSELF.

Imagine for a minute that EVERYONE liked you. Would you have a moment in the day for yourself? Would you be constantly telling people “Sorry, booked til next June, I have so many plans! Ahh, people won’t leave me alone!”

I dunno how celebrities do it, but I can kind of see how they can brush it off (hopefully) – they don’t even have enough time to talk to all the people who LOVE them, let alone waste time on people who don’t!

It’s a waste of energy. Do you have people in your life who love you? A few? Then that is gold. And it is also a sign that you have plenty of awesomeness to share, and the people who will adore you will find you, just put yourself out there. Ignore the bad stuff – there is always bad, but look through it, there is always bitchin’ stuff on the other side.

Snipping Ties

I’ve always been the type to want to keep people in my life, no matter what. I figure, if I loved them or cared for them at some point, then I always would.

I forgive very easily. I have not had things done to me that I find unforgivable – even if I am angry for a long time, eventually I move past it, and want the person back in my life in some way, or at least to make peace with them.

I stay curious – I wonder how they are, what they’re doing, how their life is. I give a shit.

This has changed recently.

It began when I was on facebook, and was getting random rude comments from someone I had dated in 2003, someone who I still really liked and admired. The comments were completely brash and uncalled for.

The first time I considered deleting him, but part of me didn’t want to let go. The last time he did it, I really mulled it over (not for very long) and thought, “What is this person adding to my life?”

I came to the conclusion that he really added nothing. He had at one point (sort of) but staying connected with him really was doing me no good, so I bit my lip and hit the unfriend button.

Instead of feeling regret, I felt relief.

I’ve done this before, in real life situations – it sucked, but the relief always came. I always thought it would lead to panic, but instead it cut the ties to negative influence.

My nostalgic ways are lessening. I have always looked backwards, and now want to look forward. I’ve learned enough from my past, and still learn now – but my past  has already shown me what I need to know – I don’t need to cling to it.

Within the last month I’ve dropped three people I kept a hold on. One was a friend who never forgave me for something minor and accidental – I held hope for about 4 years that she would come around, but she never did, so I gave up – that hopeful energy is now released and can be directed elsewhere.

Another is an ex-boyfriend who I never really got over. I felt as if when he came to town, he only ever invited me to his shows as a way to get a bigger audience. I didn’t feel that way at first, but when I asked to hang out outside the show, I got no responses. This has happened for years. I sent him another message saying  I would stop pestering him and “See ya, have a beautiful life.”

I am not angry or hateful to any of these people – I just am letting them go so I can move on with my life and make room for others. I wish these people nothing but love and happiness – I do still care for them, but in order for a friendship to be worthwhile it has to be reciprocal!

I have enough acquaintances – I want real, strong friendships, and that is what I want to focus my love on – not broken threads.

Though, sometimes, people surprise me and come back into my life – bigger, stronger, more loving! I love when this happens, and I do welcome people back with open arms, as long theirs are outstretched too.

So snip the people out of your life who do nothing to uplift you and accept your love, whether it be in real life, your business, facebook, whatever. You only get a limited time in a human body, you might as well make it as positive an experience as you can.