Me and my ninja man, 2014
I was born to be a badass.
Maybe that sounds arrogant or whatever, but listen to me. This is not me regaling you with tales of awesomeness, it is a story to relate to in whatever way you can. Try and see yourself in this – what were you born to be?
Ever since I was a little girl, the FIERCE FEMALE has called to me. I have been entranced by warriors, enraptured by banshees, and just sucked in by any woman who is Amazonian in nature – femme fatale, vagabond, or fighter. Even when I was interested in modeling, the model who I most wanted to be like was a 6’3 giantess with muscles, not a waif (though I found them beautiful, too – just in a different way).
I preferred She-ra over Barbie, by far.
Why did this come about? I was a weak, sensitive kid, a loner, an only child. I cried all the time – I still do. So how is it possible that I was “born to be a badass?” I WANTED to be tough, because I wasn’t. My path has always been towards strength and wildness, even though I was unaware. Everything thrown in my way has made me more formidable. I have slowly become more and more confident and bold because of conquering all the bullshit in my life – I have never let it DEFEAT me. I never wanted to be rescued, not really. Helped, sure, when necessary – but all the worst hurdles I’ve had were overcome by sheer will to survive. Being a victim was not an option. No princess attitude here.
The path I’ve taken has been slow-moving, but it was all because I was afraid, insecure, and part of me still identifies with my small self, even though my big self is so wildly different. I am still sensitive, but I am not insecure. If I do get that way I find ways to get past it. I am afraid, but still, I always push forward. I challenge myself. I tell myself I am brave and tenacious. I am sometimes anxious, but I trust my intuition. I know when it’s just fear and when it’s my gut telling me to actually STOP. I am at a point where I know what I can do, am willing to do, and I am willing to push through any bullshit to get there.
“We come into this world with a specific, personal destiny. We have a job to do, a calling to enact, a self to become.”
“Our job in this lifetime is not to shape ourselves into some ideal we imagine we ought to be, but to find out who we already are and become it.” – Steven Pressfield, The War of Art.
I don’t need to prove to anyone that I am a badass. I know I am, because I go for what I want. I strengthen myself daily – either by pushing through my personal fears, or not allowing myself to do things I know would make me miserable. I would rather live in my car or in a tent than live a cushy life being someone who isn’t true to herself. I would rather write a blog to 10 people reading and RESONATE with them, than do something just to gather readers, money, and “likes” – fuck that.
I would rather learn skills that mean something to ME than to please someone else. I know what makes me feel strong. I don’t have to prove myself to anyone but ME. I do things to prove to myself I can do them. If anyone says I can’t do something, I will prove them wrong (if I WANT to). If something is important enough to me, I fucking do it, even if it takes me years.
You know when you do something and you think, “Oh my god, why didn’t I do this 10, 20 years ago?” I get that once in a while, but I also realize that on our personal life journeys, things happen when they are meant to, when you are ready for them. The right teacher comes to you when you’re ready. So does the right partner, the right book, the right moment – the epiphanies you need SHOW UP when you are READY and OPEN. Pay attention!
I made a sort-of joke to myself not long ago that I’d like to be a badass for a living. And then I realized I wasn’t joking at all.