I am just too interested in everything.
I am like a crow with shiny things – except shiny things to me can be almost anything (including shiny things.)
This love of information is overwhelming, crushing, and terrifying, because I know I will never take it all in – the amount of beauty out there is staggering – it’s on the same scale as the horrors, but so many people only focus on the bad stuff – and as much as I try to bear witness, I cannot get too deep into the despair because I will seriously drown, and it will mar the beauty I want to swim in.
I was in a lovely mood tonight but when out for dinner, the first hour of conversation was so bleak that I just felt myself crumble. Eventually I mumbled, “Can we talk about something else?”
I am so sensitive – I have always been this way. It made me a target and eventually I conjured the shield of snarliness and venom. I can take offense at the dumbest things, but lately I have been very aware of my reactions and try not to get too upset when someone might just ask something at the wrong time (usually when I am tired). I am also sensitive to negativity, and when everything becomes too dark I want to run away to a shiny, pretty, candy mountain, or float off like a dandelion puff.
I like to focus on beauty. This strawberry I am eating is orgasmic. I could be swept away in the juicy scarlet luster of this strawberry – I could even get one tattooed on my neck (oh wait, I did that).
The highlight of my day was receiving two books I ordered at work, an expensive novel and an illustrated novel. I was enchanted by an interview with Neil Gaiman and then felt excitement well up in me to read his stuff again after not reading it for years.
I get gooey every time I see a little dog puttering down the street. I get flames of love when I think about all the beautiful creatures I will help in Thailand. I was so catapulted by fruit sugar and a rare piece of cacao that during work all I could imagine was jumping like a dingbat on my rebounder. I am delirious with excitement about my work’s raw vegan summer party tomorrow, and even more stoked to go pillage the downtown library for more graphic novels.
I could live at the library. I could spend all my day writing and drawing. I could vanish into a K-hole of travel as if I was in a tube of rainbows.
Yeah, a lot of aspects of life blow huge bloody globules, but man, there is so much other gorgeousity, look UP for once.
Here’s a pic of me in shiny things, taken at a Peaches concert in 2009.