Before I went raw, I was a gloomy little shit.
But about 10 days later, I was lifted into the sky, a sweet angelic hippie, a twinkling orb; I wanted to heal the world, i felt so happy. Was this the real me, underneath all the toxic crap? What about the gothy-girl who loved darkness and morbid skull-blood-nastiness?
I still struggle with this dichotomy.
There is a half that wants positivity and light, caravans and vast expanses of green lands to grow fruit trees and house vagabonds, dreadlock my hair and never wear make-up, make love in the weeds and raise children in nature with my perfect soul lover, surfing in the morning light and being gypsy-creatures in a commune.
Then there is that side that wants partially shaved hair, lip rings and tattoos, latex and nights in the club with strangers and making out with androgynous beauties, raucous evenings, the part that wants to just dive into blackness alone and eat musty tasting mushrooms and then laugh at the trees. This part of me that admires defying death, the part that sees beauty in zombies and ghouls, the scowling, raven-hair-dyed, red lipped vixen. That part.
I am split in half – is one half me, and one not? Or are they both me? These sides are so different and it seems insane that they can co-exist within one brain. I don’t want to deny either side.
I find in the raw food community, everyone is all about au-naturale and eschewing anything perceived as negative or dark.
I like to embrace both sides. I respect and see beauty in both worlds. There is a divinity in shadows.
There is a huge part of my life that has been dark – but not necessarily in a bad way. I have found so much inspiration and loveliness in spooks. Even now I am drawn to creepy things, just as much as rainbows and sunshine.
I don’t think you need to deny the shadow self, at all. Embrace it when it comes out. There is beauty there. When you close off to one thing, you cannot learn from it, be inspired by it, or appreciate what may come of it.
So many of us have risen from the depths of a black abyss – it has birthed us. Don’t forget where you came from.