Sometimes I wonder how I became so defensive, so snarly, so irritable.
I am not generally those ways, but I sure can be! I have a cruel streak that swims through me like a minnow – I always manage to block it with nets, but it is there, lurking, nasty. It is always repressed, but the knowledge that it exists sort of scares me.
I know I’m not alone. I am naturally a sweet, kind person. So how did all this start?
It’s different for everyone, of course, but mine all started in elementary school when I was the easy-to-pick-on kid – I never fought back, I just cried, or lived in fear of everyone else. Maybe this is why I am such a loner – wow, epiphany! Avoidance of pain then = antisocial now!
But the ability to be mean – that cultivated in high school, after a decade of being picked on – I finally snapped, and it worked. I was suspicious of everyone, always thinking I would have to defend myself. I’ve never really lost that – but I’ve never lost my original, sensitive self, either.
I hate hurting people. I don’t like being in any sort of situation where my defenses get riled up. Most of the time they are not necessary. I have a hold on them, usually, but it can take a lot of effort . Sometimes I want an excuse to be mean. After some thought, I realized why – so I could “get back” at all those people who tormented me as a kid, who I never got to stand up to. SO I can prove to myself over and over that I am not weak, that I can be strong.
But random people, or even people I know – they aren’t those childhood demons. They’re just as messed up from their childhoods as I am. But underneath any nastiness, they are still the sweet, beautiful innocents that want to thrive – everyone wants harmony, everyone wants compassion, and everyone wants to feel gritty enough to survive.
Lashing out at other people is not in our nature – it is just an effect of what has happened to us early on (and sometimes later) in life. Our base beliefs are formed within the first seven years of our lives. It is not our faults. It IS our responsibility to change our triggers, though. We need to come out of the victim state – in ALL ways. Make every decision a conscious one, and if you find yourself lashing out in a way you normally would not, be aware of it, and then think about who you are really angry with.
I used to fantasize about my high school reunion, hoping someone would bring up rumours from back then, so I could shame them. I used to hope everyone would be fat and wrinkled, and I could be the sole slender, youthful one – so arrogant, right? But this would have been my great revenge. I don’t think about that anymore – I still think it would be awesome to look fantastic, but more so I can help people discover a healthy lifestyle and NOT because I want to feel above them all.
It’s trite – I am not that sensitive, picked-on child anymore – but I still identify with her – obviously. That child still wants to be able to stand up for herself. Since she can’t go back in time, that fire may spew to someone completely unsuspecting, or someone who loves her.
Once you really tap into this, then you can remember it every time you interact with someone. It also makes you much calmer and clear if you do get into an argument or fight with someone else, or if someone treats you poorly. You can actually come at it from a place of intellect, instead of your ego/emotions which all stem from SOMETHING in your past. Figure out what that is.
I just want to mention that there are definitely times you want to be angry, to be defensive, to stand your ground. But this isn’t about those times. This is for those times where you take things out on other people and it’s not deserved, the times where you end up feeling guilty, the moments you wish you could change.
You were born a sweet, loving thing. Remember that is your true nature. BE in the world that way – your world is reflected back at you. You see the good, or you see the bad, and if someone is being nasty to you, you will either respond back in the same way, or you can choose to be kind, and they will most likely mirror you back.
(Not sure where the image is from originally – found on Pinterest.)